If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
