why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize