after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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