when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
