well I can't set my house on fire every night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize