There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Michael Bay diarrhea
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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