ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
