There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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