I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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