I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
