I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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