Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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