So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
