How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
