Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
