she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
