I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
