So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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