I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
