It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
