Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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