there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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