Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
