I cannot find my penis.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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