you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
