That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
