The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
