god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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