Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
