Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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