Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
