you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.