You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.