having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
