Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
