don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
