If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
