We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
