im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
