Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
