I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
