I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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