I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
