wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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