What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
