im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
