i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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