this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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