My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
