you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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