Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Mom said you looked used
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
