I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
