I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
