Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
