i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
