is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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